You can ask nearly any woman, if she was made to swear, under oath, to the exact number of people she has had sex with, the general response would be one or two digits higher than what she commonly tells people. This goes the same for us. It’s not that in either case we’re lying per se; it’s just that a few of our partners just don’t register on the same scale as the rest and well to be honest we don’t want to count them. And we’re not alone. In everyday life, there may be a couple partners that the average person would leave out. There is just some sex that doesn’t really, well, count.
IT DOESN’T COUNT IF…

1. …It lasts less than 10 seconds and no one finished.
So picture this your on your third date with a guy you are totally into, after eight hours of drinks, a movie, and dinner, you go back to his place and start hooking up. You get to the good part and he literally sticks it in for five seconds, and then stops….. And then pulls out, saying he needed to be a gentleman. There was no thrusting. Yep that’s how it went down, lets just say that we never went out again. I downright refuse to count this alongside my best—or worst—sexual experiences. Likewise, a friend of mine technically did it with a guy she’s fondly nicknamed “The Two Pump Chump,” but because he came before she had a chance to blink, he remains off her list in response to most inquiries about her number.  In short, if your tampon has seen more action with your hooha feel free to not count this particular sexual partner.

2. …You can’t remember it.
So here is the deal: We know what our exact number is, but we cannot remember WHO one of our partners is. Like, we know we have slept with X amount of people (yeah we’re not telling you all either!), just based on the number of times we have kept count, but after all these years, we forget who one of them was.  We can name, or at least picture, every single sexual partner except one. We have no memory of who, what, where, when, or how.  We know that person exists, and the sex was had, but because after trying really hard to remember, we are just subtracting Mr. Mysterious from my total. Now, if we were to wake up in the middle of the night saying, “A-ha!” then that person will be added back onto our list, unless, of course, they were finished in under 10 seconds (see #1).

3. …You didn’t give permission.
Not to get all dark and depressing, but if someone is raped, do they really have to count that person as a sexual partner? I mean, they weren’t a willing participant, so in our book the answer is NO. Period.

4. …you really, really, really regret it.
This one is a little harder to justify. Have you ever regretted having sex with someone SO MUCH you would do just about anything to have the mental image of their ginormous balls and sweaty gruntingness erased from your memory? Like so bad that afterward you wanted to bathe in bleach from head to toe? Yeah most people I know have been there too. Some ladies (and maybe fellas) have been known to scratch those dudes off their lists. Wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, but whatever, we won’t be mad at you.

5. …You’re less than 51% sure that penetration actually occurred.
This is similar to #2, only alcohol is the culprit, not a crappy memory. if the details are that foggy, lay off the drink, get yourself a pregnancy test/Plan B, and see the hooha doc to make sure you’re disease free. Then, when you’re in the clear, you can decide if this potential sex partner makes your list.

6. …He has a bad case of whiskey dick.
We know many a lady who doesn’t really count that guy she tried to have sex with over the course of an evening, but he couldn’t keep it up long enough for her to moan his name once. This is harder to not count, however, if his Johnson does sober up and repairs its reputation. A guy friend of ours performed so poorly with a partner many moons ago, he hesitates to count her, mostly, probably, out of shame, and hey whose to say we can blame him?

7. …It happened in Vegas.
Just kidding, this totally counts. Sorry dudes.  We know know what happens here stays here, but it still happened and you can’t a "Get Out of Jail Free Card" just because of the location.

Until next week
Mistress Samantha and Miss Syndi
XOXO

You’ve finally convinced your girlfriend to have a threesome and you’ve found a girl to join you. What could go wrong? Well, plenty if you haven’t planned ahead for every potential uncomfortable outcome. When a committed couple welcomes another person into their bed, the results can be intensely erotic and adventurous (as we’ve experienced)… or tragically awkward and complicated. Where you end up afterward depends heavily on certain possibilities that should be considered before going ahead with the deed. What follows is a list we came up with of the possible consequences of your threesome, rated according to how much grief they could end up causing you, lol!

A rating of three basically gives you a green light, barring any exceptional circumstances. Two means you should think twice before proceeding, since it is quite likely to cause trouble. A one indicates that this outcome is rather likely, and should probably prompt you to keep your threesome fantasy to yourself and your kleenex. 

Falling for the third

It can be easy to develop feelings for someone you have been physically intimate with, since falling in love and having sex often go together. You may think that women are more prone to this kind of thing and that your DNA will make it easier for you to separate sex and love, but no no, your reactions once you’re actually in the situation may surprise you! Make sure you want to have a threesome for the right reasons (an AWESOME fucking time) and that you are committed to being in your relationship. This will make it easier for you to see the third party as a fun, fabulous sex object — and not a girl with potential for more.

Trouble rating: 3

A girl thing

If you’ve chosen the ideal woman to join you for your threesome, there’s a chance she might be so perfect that your girl will want to continue a relationship with her after the fact. (now thats what I’m talking about!) If it’s just a friendship she wants, no worries, but if she’s feeling romantic about the other girl, you’ve got a problem. However, the chances of this possible consequence are pretty slim unless she has demonstrated lesbian leanings in the past.

Trouble rating: 3

Fatal attraction

It is also possible that your third may develop feelings for you and/or your girlfriend and get all Glenn Close on you, boiling bunnies and whatnot. Make it clear from the get-go that you are only looking for a fun physical encounter and you should be able to avoid this. We don’t need you committing murder to make the crazy bitch go away.  A little time spent observing the girl’s behavior before the act should give you an idea of whether or not she’s a clingy psycho.

Trouble rating: 3

Jealousy rears its ugly head

Unless your girl is very sexually adventurous and secure, there is a good chance that the threesome will spark a bout of jealousy, ranging from slight annoyance to relationship-destroying rage. Make sure to pay equal attention to both women, better yet, more to your girlfriend, but definitely not the other way around. If you know your girl tends to feel sparks of jealousy when you check out other girls on the street, this may be a prohibitive factor. (Our opinion if the bitch gets mad you look at other women, she is definately one to let go of IMMEDIATELY!)

Trouble rating: 2

Infections and babies

The extraordinary complications that would be brought into your life if either of you were to get the HIV– or if the other woman were to get knocked up– ir is enough of a reason to think twice about going through with it. Both risks can be considerably lessened by wrapping your shit up and discussing birth control ahead of time, but if you don’t know a lot about the other woman’s history, ie: prostitute, there could be a risk.

Trouble rating: 2

Awkward socializing

Unless you’re picking up a complete stranger that you’ll never see again (which isn’t necessarily the safest way to go about it), there is a chance that your threesome may end up having some uncomfortable "social consequences".  If the other girl is a friend or an acquaintance of either you or your partner, the next time you hang out could be a tad awkward. If it’s her best friend, this should be reason enough to scrap your plans immediately!

Trouble rating: 1

Performance anxiety

If you are prone to having difficulty performing under pressure, a threesome is not an ideal situation. Having two women to satisfy may simply be too demanding and you’ll probably want to avoid the arrangement if you’re worried about not "rising" to the occasion.

Trouble rating: 1

Now in our opinions these are what we felt were the most important points to make.  We do speak from experience.  Not all ladies are as, um, forward as we are.  Most don’t want anything to do with a threesome, but for those that do this article can be enjoyed by either men or women. It goes both ways!

Kisses
Mistress Samantha and Miss Syndi
XOXO