You can ask nearly any woman, if she was made to swear, under oath, to the exact number of people she has had sex with, the general response would be one or two digits higher than what she commonly tells people. This goes the same for us. It’s not that in either case we’re lying per se; it’s just that a few of our partners just don’t register on the same scale as the rest and well to be honest we don’t want to count them. And we’re not alone. In everyday life, there may be a couple partners that the average person would leave out. There is just some sex that doesn’t really, well, count.
IT DOESN’T COUNT IF…
1. …It lasts less than 10 seconds and no one finished.
So picture this your on your third date with a guy you are totally into, after eight hours of drinks, a movie, and dinner, you go back to his place and start hooking up. You get to the good part and he literally sticks it in for five seconds, and then stops….. And then pulls out, saying he needed to be a gentleman. There was no thrusting. Yep that’s how it went down, lets just say that we never went out again. I downright refuse to count this alongside my best—or worst—sexual experiences. Likewise, a friend of mine technically did it with a guy she’s fondly nicknamed “The Two Pump Chump,” but because he came before she had a chance to blink, he remains off her list in response to most inquiries about her number. In short, if your tampon has seen more action with your hooha feel free to not count this particular sexual partner.
2. …You can’t remember it.
So here is the deal: We know what our exact number is, but we cannot remember WHO one of our partners is. Like, we know we have slept with X amount of people (yeah we’re not telling you all either!), just based on the number of times we have kept count, but after all these years, we forget who one of them was. We can name, or at least picture, every single sexual partner except one. We have no memory of who, what, where, when, or how. We know that person exists, and the sex was had, but because after trying really hard to remember, we are just subtracting Mr. Mysterious from my total. Now, if we were to wake up in the middle of the night saying, “A-ha!” then that person will be added back onto our list, unless, of course, they were finished in under 10 seconds (see #1).
3. …You didn’t give permission.
Not to get all dark and depressing, but if someone is raped, do they really have to count that person as a sexual partner? I mean, they weren’t a willing participant, so in our book the answer is NO. Period.
4. …you really, really, really regret it.
This one is a little harder to justify. Have you ever regretted having sex with someone SO MUCH you would do just about anything to have the mental image of their ginormous balls and sweaty gruntingness erased from your memory? Like so bad that afterward you wanted to bathe in bleach from head to toe? Yeah most people I know have been there too. Some ladies (and maybe fellas) have been known to scratch those dudes off their lists. Wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, but whatever, we won’t be mad at you.
5. …You’re less than 51% sure that penetration actually occurred.
This is similar to #2, only alcohol is the culprit, not a crappy memory. if the details are that foggy, lay off the drink, get yourself a pregnancy test/Plan B, and see the hooha doc to make sure you’re disease free. Then, when you’re in the clear, you can decide if this potential sex partner makes your list.
6. …He has a bad case of whiskey dick.
We know many a lady who doesn’t really count that guy she tried to have sex with over the course of an evening, but he couldn’t keep it up long enough for her to moan his name once. This is harder to not count, however, if his Johnson does sober up and repairs its reputation. A guy friend of ours performed so poorly with a partner many moons ago, he hesitates to count her, mostly, probably, out of shame, and hey whose to say we can blame him?
7. …It happened in Vegas.
Just kidding, this totally counts. Sorry dudes. We know know what happens here stays here, but it still happened and you can’t a "Get Out of Jail Free Card" just because of the location.
Until next week
Mistress Samantha and Miss Syndi
XOXO
